It is really crazy to think about, but that question actually filtered through my head, and more than once. The first month or so with the baby were not good days for me. I was an absolute mess, and I don't think baby blues did justice for what I was going through. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6 of them. We pride our relationship on our open communication. Before love, we are best friends, and over the years we have enjoyed talking, debating, and laughing about everything. We are that annoying couple that talks on google chat or emails each other all day even though we are going to see each other at home. Well, even our annoying gooey relationship was having some stress. I was furious with him because I didn't feel like he was doing enough, and he was confused with what he could do, why didn't I ask him for help. We were not on the same page and it was just awful.
Essentially, the first few weeks were: feed the baby, hold the baby, feed the baby, hold the baby. That is all I did. If I had to use the bathroom I would have to pass her off and pray she didn't wake up. I barely bathed and it was starting to take a toll on my perceived self worth. I just didn't feel like a person anymore. I think I slept 2 to 4 hours a night during this time because the baby wouldn't let me put her down. Everytime I tried to put her down, she would scream. So, I just held her all of the time. Eventually I would fall asleep with her in my arms, hence my 2 to 4 hours. Over time I found that I could put her on my stomach with her head to the side and she would sleep there. I would load pillows up under my arms and make it so that she couldn't roll anywhere. Even with these security measures, I didn't sleep well. My mother bought my husband and I a co-sleeper; however, we found that our queen size bed was too small for it and we would end up with metal feet in our sides. Plus, the stinkin' thing would move when my husband and I did. So, I would work really hard to get the bay in a deep enough sleep and then pop her in the co-sleeper. As soon as I lay down, she would start sliding toward me in the co-sleeper. After a couple of days of this I tried swinging my arm over the top of the co-sleeper to hold her in place while I slept, but I would wake up with a numb arm and a huge red mark.
Over time, I was able to get her to sleep in her bassinet. I never could for naps, but for at least the first couple of hours of her nighttime sleep was done in the bassinet. Maybe 5 out of 7 nights I could get her to sleep her second shift in the bassinet as well, but she always came into our bed in the early morning. When she was around 3 months I would put her on her boppy pillow. I would stuff a blanket into the center and then put a blanket on top so it dipped a little and made a ridge for her so she wouldn't roll off. I would then put a blanket over her that was tucked under the boppy. She slept on her back for my own piece of mind and then I would hold an arm or leg. I didn't sleep well when she slept there, I was always very worried.
Then one night following a visit from Nana, I was sitting in bed with the baby next to me on the boppy pillow, and I just kept thinking about my mom stressing her concern for our sleeping arrangement. So, I gathered my desperation and said to myself, screw it, you have to try to put her in the bassinet again at the very least. I did, and it was actually successful for the first two shifts of sleep. By now Aria was around 3 1/2 months old. This worked for a two weeks, so I became bold and tried the crib. To my surprise, I was able to keep her in the crib for her first sleep shift every night for a week. I have to admit that in some ways I hated the crib. Unlike a lot of other babies at this age, Aria was still waking a lot. She would go to sleep at 8, then wake up four or five hours later to eat and then sleep three and then wake up two or three times after that to eat. Waking up to trudge down the hall was exhausting, but it didn't matter anyway. Right around the point I was starting to lose it from the sleep deprivation of walking down the hall and then not able to fall back to sleep, my father passed away. The combination of my sadness and a very irregular schedule during the week following threw off her entire schedule.
It is now two months later. Aria is a very whiny, yet happy baby. She laughs and smiles, reaches for my husband and I when she wants to be held, but also will growl and whines for attention if we check our phones for two minutes or look up to watch TV. She has a regular routine. She eats dinner at 5:30 PM, plays, takes a bath at 7 PM, and then is rocked and sung to sleep. She is generally out somewhere between 7:15-7:30. Sometimes she eats, sometimes not. The issue with this is afterward, she will not go down. My husband or I, mostly me, will hold her until we go to bed in which she sleeps in our bed between us. She wakes up to eat at 10, then again at 5:30. At 7:00 AM she is up for the day. She watches a cartoon or pajanimals, eats an hour after waking and then plays until her nap at 10:00 AM. She then naps again at around Noon and sometimes 3 or 4. She sleeps with me unless I am tired and take a nap with her. If I try to lay her down drowsy, she always turns over on her tummy and plays. If I leave her in her room, she will almost always move herself to the crib bars and bump her head. If she does cry, she will cry so hard and loud, that she will stop her from breathing for a minute because her throat dries out.
I'm not all that pleased with our routine. Quite honestly, I need to contribute to my household income; however, I don't believe I can find anyone to watch a baby like her and treat her like I do. I feel very trapped by this arrangement a lot of the time because while I love my baby and I am a mother, I am also a wife, friend, and a woman. However, this is my life right now. I admit I cry and get depressed about it from time to time. I hate that my baby is so scared to be without someone when she sleeps. I also hate that I don't get to attend to my needs when she sleeps. However, this is one year of her life and I know that later on I will be sad I was so distressed during this time.
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