Cleaning and High Need Babies

As mothers, we want a safe and cleanly environment for our children. This is very important to us, and it seems even more important when we are all home inside all day and can see the dust collecting. The issue is, when you are sore, tired and attached to the baby, you don't feel like you can get these things done.

Naturally, you all probably did what I did....search the internet. Of course this was no help as everyone has the same suggestions - do it when the baby naps, put the baby in the swing, put the baby in a sling. I have to admit I tried it all, and none of it worked. Aria sleeps on me for naps, so that doesn't work. Plus, even now I nap when she does sometimes because she still wakes up every couple of hours to eat. She hates the swing for more than five minutes, so that idea was out. Lastly, the sling didn't work for me because she is right in the center of my body and my arms just couldn't reach around her. Perhaps it is because I am a whopping 5 feet tall, or maybe it's because I have a traditional baby carrier, not an actual sling, but either way, I couldn't do what I needed.

What worked for me was simply not doing anything during the day until Aria could play on the floor long enough for me to do anything. I would then do my tidying when my husband got home, or he would do some of it. That is how we started. I would bring her playmat in the room of the house I wanted to clean and put her on the floor with toys. I would do as much as I could while she was down there until she cried and screamed. As she has gotten older, I can do more. When she was around 4 months old, I put her in the jumperoo. Yep, I drag that crazy thing around the house. Keep in mind we are apartment dwellers, so no stairs were involved, be careful out there if you try this. Now, I just put her in the walker. This allows me 20 sometimes 30 minutes of time to get things done because she explores the rooms as I clean them. In fact, one of her favorite things to do is have her daddy hold her while I do dishes at night.

I do want to say, getting to where I am has taken a lot of time, patience and even some tears and near breakdowns. Getting to clean the house is only half successful now to be honest. Thirty minutes isn't a long time to clean, but it is a huge success from where I started. I suffered tremendous guilt from not being to do household duties since I was home with the baby. However, it took some time and strength to recognize that my husband understood. It wasn't like he didn't see how difficult the baby was to keep busy. I think I put more pressure on myself. So, hang in there and don't forget to leave questions or email me about ideas or your suggestions. I am not one of those success stories coming back to tell you what all worked for me. I am still going through this every day. 

My 10 Must Haves for Succeeding with a High Need Baby

1. Two loving arms to rock and hold that baby.
2. A big heart to love he/she unconditionally.
3. Tons of patience
4. An unconditionally loving support system.
5. The recognition that this is hard, and that is okay.
6. A breakthrough point where you finally realize you are succeeding and not fumbling through.
7. A rocking chair, sling, swing, or the muscles to rock the baby for hours.
8. The understanding that you will do whatever it takes to make your baby content regardless of what others say about your methods. 
9. Enough self esteem to shrug of judgemental comments and those ridiculous theories of what you did wrong.  
10. Identification of the line you will not cross after hours of searching the internet for answers that are not there. 

You Must Reflect

Life is confusing, it's scary one minute and predictable the next. It seems to me that at times in life we feel it has slowed enough to have a vast amount of space to think and reflect. These are the creative times. The nights when we suddenly become a seamstress or a writer. These are the sparks in life. Then there are the soul crushing days when our flame has been dulled by other's rules or judgements or even our own thoughts. These days we wish we could heal ourselves through change, but instead find ourselves in ruts. Then, we wake up one day and realize how much time has gone by and wonder who we are? These are the teaching moments that remind us to take risks, stand proud, avoid compromising ourselves and breathe.

I think that is so important to remember when parenting. We don't want to miss out on the development of our children. Therefore, we have to make sure we keep ourselves healthy and in the now. I realized that the other day. My baby is already six months old, and I need to enjoy every moment I am home with her. She grows and changes with every moment that goes by and one day these days will be memories. The last thing I want to do is resent my feelings or forget the great moments because I was stressed out or not trying to research what I could do to fix things.

I think that is easier said than done with a high need baby. It is easy to get lost in the desperation and panic when you are on little sleep with sore shoulders and no more entertaining ideas. Here are some ideas I think will help.

1. Talk to your pediatrician or even your doctor. My doctor recommended a resource line to speak with someone. Regardless of whether it is post partum depression or just having some difficulty managing, you shouldn't have to feel alone. The nice thing I have found with this consultant is that she listens to some of the things I am going through and can provide some outside unbiased opinions of what to try.
2. Talk to a friend. Sometimes speaking to someone without kids is very helpful. I'm not suggesting you tell them what is going on because they will never understand, but let them talk to you about being a mother. A lot of times they will compliment you or just give you a chance to think about a different perspective of life. That is sometimes nice to have that mental vacation or feel good about being a mom. The issue should never be that you feel like a bad mom for having a baby that needs you. It is the issue that sometimes we get overwhelmed by it.
3. Do the one thing that calms the baby so you can think. Aria hates the swing and the car seat, but she has generally been okay in the sling/carrier or the stroller. I go for a long walk every day so I can just reflect on things. I have found that it keeps me feeling calmer. 
4. IF there is someone else the baby behaves with, pass the baby off and take a bath or do something you enjoy doing. Even if it is doing your nails or reading a magazine, just remember you were a person before the baby, so you deserve to feel like one with the baby. 

Is that Hair Dye or Dirt?

It is really crazy to think about, but that question actually filtered through my head, and more than once. The first month or so with the baby were not good days for me. I was an absolute mess, and I don't think baby blues did justice for what I was going through. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6 of them. We pride our relationship on our open communication. Before love, we are best friends, and over the years we have enjoyed talking, debating, and laughing about everything. We are that annoying couple that talks on google chat or emails each other all day even though we are going to see each other at home. Well, even our annoying gooey relationship was having some stress. I was furious with him because I didn't feel like he was doing enough, and he was confused with what he could do, why didn't I ask him for help. We were not on the same page and it was just awful.

Essentially, the first few weeks were: feed the baby, hold the baby, feed the baby, hold the baby. That is all I did. If I had to use the bathroom I would have to pass her off and pray she didn't wake up. I barely bathed and it was starting to take a toll on my perceived self worth. I just didn't feel like a person anymore. I think I slept 2 to 4 hours a night during this time because the baby wouldn't let me put her down. Everytime I tried to put her down, she would scream. So, I just held her all of the time. Eventually I would fall asleep with her in my arms, hence my 2 to 4 hours. Over time I found that I could put her on my stomach with her head to the side and she would sleep there. I would load pillows up under my arms and make it so that she couldn't roll anywhere. Even with these security measures, I didn't sleep well. My mother bought my husband and I a co-sleeper; however, we found that our queen size bed was too small for it and we would end up with metal feet in our sides. Plus, the stinkin' thing would move when my husband and I did. So, I would work really hard to get the bay in a deep enough sleep and then pop her in the co-sleeper. As soon as I lay down, she would start sliding toward me in the co-sleeper. After a couple of days of this I tried swinging my arm over the top of the co-sleeper to hold her in place while I slept, but I would wake up with a numb arm and a huge red mark.

Over time, I was able to get her to sleep in her bassinet. I never could for naps, but for at least the first couple of hours of her nighttime sleep was done in the bassinet. Maybe 5 out of 7 nights I could get her to sleep her second shift in the bassinet as well, but she always came into our bed in the early morning. When she was around 3 months I would put her on her boppy pillow. I would stuff a blanket into the center and then put a blanket on top so it dipped a little and made a ridge for her so she wouldn't roll off. I would then put a blanket over her that was tucked under the boppy. She slept on her back for my own piece of mind and then I would hold an arm or leg. I didn't sleep well when she slept there, I was always very worried.

Then one night following a visit from Nana, I was sitting in bed with the baby next to me on the boppy pillow, and I just kept thinking about my mom stressing her concern for our sleeping arrangement. So, I gathered my desperation and said to myself, screw it, you have to try to put her in the bassinet again at the very least. I did, and it was actually successful for the first two shifts of sleep. By now Aria was around 3 1/2 months old. This worked for a two weeks, so I became bold and tried the crib. To my surprise, I was able to keep her in the crib for her first sleep shift every night for a week. I have to admit that in some ways I hated the crib. Unlike a lot of other babies at this age, Aria was still waking a lot. She would go to sleep at 8, then wake up four or five hours later to eat and then sleep three and then wake up two or three times after that to eat. Waking up to trudge down the hall was exhausting, but it didn't matter anyway. Right around the point I was starting to lose it from the sleep deprivation of walking down the hall and then not able to fall back to sleep, my father passed away. The combination of my sadness and a very irregular schedule during the week following threw off her entire schedule.

It is now two months later. Aria is a very whiny, yet happy baby. She laughs and smiles, reaches for my husband and I when she wants to be held, but also will growl and whines for attention if we check our phones for two minutes or look up to watch TV. She has a regular routine. She eats dinner at 5:30 PM, plays, takes a bath at 7 PM, and then is rocked and sung to sleep. She is generally out somewhere between 7:15-7:30. Sometimes she eats, sometimes not. The issue with this is afterward, she will not go down. My husband or I, mostly me, will hold her until we go to bed in which she sleeps in our bed between us. She wakes up to eat at 10, then again at 5:30. At 7:00 AM she is up for the day. She watches a cartoon or pajanimals, eats an hour after waking and then plays until her nap at 10:00 AM. She then naps again at around Noon and sometimes 3 or 4. She sleeps with me unless I am tired and take a nap with her. If I try to lay her down drowsy, she always turns over on her tummy and plays. If I leave her in her room, she will almost always move herself to the crib bars and bump her head. If she does cry, she will cry so hard and loud, that she will stop her from breathing for a minute because her throat dries out.

I'm not all that pleased with our routine. Quite honestly, I need to contribute to my household income; however, I don't believe I can find anyone to watch a baby like her and treat her like I do. I feel very trapped by this arrangement a lot of the time because while I love my baby and I am a mother, I am also a wife, friend, and a woman. However, this is my life right now. I admit I cry and get depressed about it from time to time. I hate that my baby is so scared to be without someone when she sleeps. I also hate that I don't get to attend to my needs when she sleeps. However, this is one year of her life and I know that later on I will be sad I was so distressed during this time.